Who Dat!!!

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and I’m trying to figure out what I can take to the Super Bowl celebration later this afternoon. My tiny tummy holds one cup of gluten-free, sugar-free/artificial sweetener free, alcohol free, caffeine free food at a time. Nothing spicy, no citrus, no tomato…the list goes on and on. Am I gonna be the girl who shows up with a package of rice crackers and a bag of quinoa? LOL! No. I think that I’ll make my favorite soup, it has andouille sausage in it, that seems appropriate. I may be the only one eating it but I’m sure that there will be plenty of other things for the less culinarily challenged….did I just invent a new word?

Brussels Sprouts and Sausage Soup

Torture?

A dear friend on the east coast wrote to me in response to yesterday’s “Quinoa Post”. She was concerned that perhaps I was torturing myself with TV food shows and reading books about food. “Do you like to garden?” she asked, suggesting that gardening was a calming, peaceful activity. I do like to garden but as I look out on the barren branches of the tree outside my window on this cold, grey, wet January afternoon it’s hard to get too inspired about gardening.

I want to paint a mental image for you….particularly for those of you who only know my through my blog. Picture a 47-year-old woman rockin’ a 113 pound body that most women her age would love to have. OK…most women might want something more than an A-cup bra but I get up each morning and look in the mirror and think “Girl, you look pretty good after all that you’ve been through!” Two different courses of chemotherapy failed to shrink the tumor in my stomach (non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) so in October 2008, I had a partial gastrectomy with vagotomy and pyloroplasty to remove the tumor. I am now cancer free but my digestive system is forever altered.

I struggle to eat 1300 – 1400 calories/day and if I don’t work at it that total is more like 800 calories/day. The removal of the vagus nerve leaves me with no sensation of hunger. I have no cravings; I have no interest in food. For me to say “I enjoy eating food” would be about the same as me saying “I enjoy pumping gas into my car”. Who enjoys pumping gas into their car??? To be honest, I feel best when I don’t eat….until my blood sugar gets too low and my head reminds me that I’d better eat something. It’s something that I have to do and that I have to think about every single day. As I work now to increase my activity level, it’s easy to get involved in my activities and forget about eating. I don’t have a stomach telling me….”Hey! I’m Hungry”. If my body does send me a message, it’s a message that comes from my head…a message that comes too late when my blood sugar has gotten too low. But if I am going to increase my activity level, I also need to increase my calorie intake and my limited stomach capacity makes that difficult. My inability to tolerate simple carbs and gluten limits my choices, too. On top of that, I’m married to a man who believes that the four basic food groups are fat, sugar, salt and processed foods so there is very little overlap between the foods foods that we will eat. I used to enjoy cooking but now, cooking for one very tiny tummy, often seems like a lot of effort to go through for a small amount of food.

So, with all of that being said, I don’t want to give the impression that I am tortured by food or my current situation. It is a challenge but it’s actually kinda fun to rise to that challenge to find my new normal. What has been difficult has been that my life has not stabilized yet. I’ve had so many ever-changing variables over the last few years that it seems that the moment that I do choose one course to follow, fate steps in, changes the rules, throws another obstacle in my path and once again I find myself rethinking my future. (Carrie smiles to herself as she vaguely makes reference to future blog posts….)

Getting back to food….what I DO miss is the social aspect of food. Sharing a good meal or a GREAT glass of wine with friends, preferably both. I CAN still do that….but not like I did in the past. And there are some things that still remain on my “Bucket List”, come hell or high water……

A Bucket of Mussels in Brussels and a Glass of Sancerre

Green Lipped Mussels in New Zealand with a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc

But am I tortured by the baguettes pictured in the photo above, or memories of the caraway rolls that dad used to make just for me….no….

I’m tortured by what I’m going to do with 3.9 pounds of quinoa!

Sleep!

I slept through the night last night and at 7:17 this morning, Herbie kissed me on the nose and said “Mom. It’s time to get up.” That was followed by a cup of green tea, a banana and an early service at church…a good start to the day.

Thanks be to God!

Four Pounds of Quinoa

I love to travel and as I sit at my desk in the living room, I look out at the southern sky watching the planes fly east from SeaTac airport. I often imagine myself on one of those planes, wondering where they’re bound. Spending the last year at home, I’ve done a lot of vicarious travel, through meditation, through the internet, through the tales told by friends when they return from their trips.

I love to eat, too….or….rather, I used to. Following the partial gastrectomy in October 2008 to remove the tumor in my stomach, I now have a tiny stomach and an altered digestive system. My vagus nerve had to be removed which means that I no longer feel hunger….ever. I have to eat frequently throughout the day and my medication requires extra fluid intake so I’m constantly eating or drinking something. The options, though are rather limited. I am now…

Alcohol free
Sugar and Artificial Sweetener Free
Caffeine Free (except for a cup of green tea in the morning)
Gluten Free
and I’m primarily vegetarian but not “religious” about it

…..so, if you stop and think about it, that doesn’t leave many options. I used to love wine but now I can only enjoy a sip from a friend’s glass from time to time. I used to love coffee but now I just walk around the house with a cup and enjoy the smell, pretending I’m someone who can drink coffee. I LOVE bread…..so I’m not even going to think about that and imagine what the holidays are like without cookies and candy. I just can’t do that anymore. Instead, like travel, I have to enjoy food vicariously. I watch food and travel shows on TV and I’m reading the book above “Alone In the Kitchen With An Eggplant”, a collection of essays by food writers. As I write this post, I’m nibbling on “Gerbil Food”, a mix of nuts and seeds and listening to Tom Douglas’ local three-hour radio show about food and wine. In the kitchen, a four pound bag of quinoa waits to see what clever woman with a tiny stomach can come up with for dinner. Tonight, thanks to Heather Swanson….Heather’s Quinoa Recipe.  Tomorrow….ahhh, well, you’ll just have to tune in tomorrow!

What Happened To Your Back?

Someone has asked, in response to my previous post, what has happened to my back. To explain, let me review the events of the last year since I haven’t blogged much recently….

2009 had been a series of grand mal seizures and attempts, through trial and error, to find the right medication to control those seizures. Each time that the medication was changed, I had a new set of side effects to deal with and a four to six week period of mental fog would begin, leaving me in an altered physical and mental state. Until my seizures are under control, I’m not allowed to drive and since we live in the country, at the end of a dead end road, I spent most of 2009 at home alone, trying to maintain my weight (cancer in 2008 had left me with half of my stomach) and my mind.

In mid-December 2008, my body suddenly adjusted to my current medication (Keppra + Topamax) and the effects of the previous medication (Lamictal) had finally worn off. My mind was once again clear which, for an intelligent, articulate woman was a wonderful Christmas gift. When I can’t sit at my computer and type a legible sentence…….well, you can imagine how frustrating that might be…..
The card above was a Christmas gift from my daughter, Amanda. For years I’ve given her goofy cards and she couldn’t resist giving this one to me. In addition to non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in 2007/2008 and epilepsy in 2009, I was also diagnosed with an ulcer and an aortic aneurysm in 2009 and chemotherapy has blessed me with premature menopause. Great card, Amanda!!!

So….my body has adjusted to my current meds and my body is now back to my “normal”….which means that I sleep 1 – 3 hours per night. I’ve been rather sedentary over the last year so in order to improve my stamina and improve my sleep, I rejoined the gym a couple of weeks ago and started working out last week. I had a free session with a trainer who, noting my lack of condition, kindly gave me two light workouts instead. Two 20 minute workouts, separated by three days…and lots of bed rest. Then, last weekend, I had three days of dog shows. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s so much more than what I’m used to and on top of that I have to remember to eat and drink constantly. On Tuesday, I twisted slightly and that was all it took…my back went into spasms….I was bent over forward and to the right, locked up and unable to straighten up. I’ve been nursing my back constantly ever since.

On The Blog Again…

Hooray! I’m Back! And my back is back…more or less…but we’re not going to test that too much. So….while I feel inspired to write and while I have a lot that I’d like to say, what will follow will likely be a series of short blog posts on a series of random topics that occupy my mind these days. I can only sit still for short periods of time before my back starts to lock up again so I need to keep moving and….darn it!!!…I’m just gonna have to keep making those nightly trips to the gym to lie in the sauna and rest my poor back! I hate it when that happens…..

Plenty of blog posts to come…..

A Long Week

It’s been a long week….well, ten days or so….and while I feel like blogging, my mind and my body are exhausted. I’ve increased my activity level, in part to hopefully increase the amount of sleep that I’m getting each night….and it HAS helped. I’ve gone from sleeping 1 – 3 hours per night to sometimes 4 -5 hours per night. Unfortunately, though, with the increased activity I’ve also lost weight……..three pounds in one week!….. now down to 112 pounds from 115 a week ago.

I want to write but I need to rest…..to do nothing, physically or mentally…..more tomorrow….

Fly me to the moon~

All went well at the doctors today. Lab results look great! I’ll do a follow up on my UTI next week but aside from that things are looking up. Time to pack for my trip to Palm Springs….have to be at the airport early tomorrow morning…..home on Sunday….

How Are You?

Dad called this morning to ask how I was doing. “You haven’t blogged for a while” he said. “Yes, well…not much new to report,” I said, “and, I’ve resolved to spend a bit less time on my blog and Facebook this year. Besides, I have nothing substantive to report at the moment.”

I’ll meet tomorrow afternoon with my primary care doctor, followed immediately by an appointment with “neurologist #1″. Over the last six weeks I’ve been dealing with fatigue, insomnia and a urinary tract infection, among other things….an entire cluster of symptoms which none of the specialists can seem to find an explanation for. I have my own theories, which I’ll discuss with my new primary care doctor tomorrow. When I have more information, I’ll let you know….

On Thursday I’ll be flying to Palm Springs to spend a long weekend with best friends David and Lesley Hiltz and Alyce Gilmore at the Kennel Club of Palm Springs dog shows. This has become an annual event that I look forward to each year as I look out on the grey, cold, rainy January days here in Seattle…..dreaming of sunshine and warm weather in southern California. The dog shows are held on the polo fields, among the largest shows all year, and while we’re not going down to show…just to watch….we’ll enjoy every moment in the sunshine. After nine months in exile, unable to drive or travel and looking at the same four walls, watching the planes outside my window as they head south or east from SeaTac airport, I’ll finally be on one of those planes myself…….flying south…..

Merry Christmas!

We’ll pack the car in the morning and head north to Lake Roesiger to spend Christmas with family the old-fashioned way….no wi-fi, no cell phones….just the familiar sounds of Andy Williams and Natalie Cole, playing on my nano through the Bose speakers as I curl up with a good book on my Sony eReader in front of the fire.

Wishing you all a warm and merry Christmas filled with joy, spent with friends and loved ones…..remembering the Peace that humbly came to us in stable on a cold and silent night…..